Uh oh, I'm getting desperate...

Oh boy, it's that time of the year again. The one where I'm ready to run to Weight Watchers because I'm thinking this time will be different. This time I'll lose the weight. This time... Instead of listening to my body, figuring out what it needs (and doesn't need) and figuring out why I eat the way I do, I want someone to second guess me. To tell me what to do, what to eat, how much to eat, etc. Really??

Why don't I trust my own body and mind to have the right answers? I mean, our bodies aren't wrong, are they? They may be turned down or tuned out from being ignored and treated so badly, but they are not wrong. We are naturally programmed to know when we are hungry, what we want and how much we want when we are children. At some point, for many of us, things go horribly wrong and we end up on diets - eating peaches and cottage cheese for lunch while our classmates scarf down pizza and cookies. It's no wonder we hate our lives, if that is what life it. We are waiting to be our classmates - to be able to eat a piece or two of pizza and not feel guilty about it or not have to run 3 miles in the morning to make up for it.

Our hunger is only hunger. Food is only food. If you use food for what it truly is, we will never be heavy because food is nourishment for our bodies and our bodies are aware of how much nourishment they need.

So for this week at least, I am putting WW on hold -even thought theyare offering some great deals right now. For me, for now, I'm going to trust my body to what is right.

New Week, New Me

Wow - it's been a crazy busy week but a good one. I have worked much of the week and taught a yoga class yesterday. Then we went out and tried something fun and new - snowshoeing!!! It was AMAZING! Just like hiking in the snow. Can't wait to go again - it was just plain fun. :)

I spent the week really thinking about eating only when I was hungry and, with just a few exceptions, I did really great! I haven't weighed myself - I will, but am not sure when. I know the weight will come off as I pay attention to my hunger and fullness as I eat...

This week, my goal is to eat only to a fullness level of an 8. Comfortable - definitely full, but not stuffed. I know from occassional past experience that once I get past the inital feelings of fear and discomfort when I don't have a full belly, I actually find that I really like that light feeling I have when I'm not overeating and feeling big and bloated all the time.

I spent some time thinking about some things this week - not dwelling, but just thinking about some stuff. I remember when I was a young girl, maybe 11 or 12 and my grandfather (my dad's father) told me my outfit didn't look good on me because I was too fat. I called my mom crying. Then not long after that, my step father calling me Crisco - fat in the can. Nice, right? Nope. And let me tell you - I was not even close to fat! I was, even before I reached my full height of 5' 10", taller than most all girls my age, so I was bigger, for sure, but by no means was I fat! Why did these people think it was okay to tell say things like this about me? I'll tell you that I am sure now that this was the beginning of my body image issues. It is so sad because I wasn't even fat, they just made me think I was, and I believed them.

Eating When I'm Hungry

I've spent the past couple of days eating when I am hungry. Really thinking about whether or not I'm truly in need of food or if I'm just feeling like it's time to eat, everyone else is eating, or I'm feeling some emotion - positive or negative - that I am trying to avoid.



There have been several times these past few days where I was heading to the kitchen for some food when I realized that, while I wasn't "full", I also wasn't truly hungry. So, I didn't eat. GASP! It was definitely scary, uncomfortable. An odd feeling to not feel full, not to be waiting to have enough room in my stomach to eat without being stuffed when I start.



That sounds so crazy, re-reading it. Why am I more comfortable when I am stuffed? Why do I eat junk that makes me feel like crap? Why? That, my dear, is the question of the century...

New Year's Eve

Hey! So, today is the last day of 2010 - wow! - where on earth did the year go?? I remember last New Year's so busy and looking forward to so much change in this year, and indeed there was a lot of change. Most of the change was on the outside - moving across the country, my husband changing jobs, my mom, daughter and granddaughter moving in with us. LOTS of change - and much of it for the good!

This year has been so crazy busy with so much to get used to and so much to do, there has been precious little time to focus on me. That's where 2011 comes in...

This year I will take time to focus on me, learning about who I am and what I love and who I want to be. Looking forward to welcoming in this New Year in just a few hours. Happy New Year everyone!

Eating Guidelines

I don't know if you are familiar with anti-diet guru, Geneen Roth. She has hit the scene hard this year, when her latest book "Women Food and God" came out. She was on Oprah twice talking about this amazing book. While I loved this latest work, I have been a fan of Geneen's for over 10 years and love each and every one of her books - each one speaks to me in a different way.

So, in case you haven't read any of her books, I'll give you a (very) brief overview...
Geneen was on a roller coaster of weight loss and gain for many years. This cycle culminated in her burning her diet books in her bathtub more than 30 years ago. She decided it was do or die time - literally. She gave herself permission to eat what she wanted, when she was hungry, at last trusting herself to not eat herself to death. After a time, she found herself healthy and happy at her natural weight - a realistic, natural place for her body.

Geneen's "method" includes eating guidelines... I am going to reflect and work one guideline at a time, adding a new one each week. This week's guideline: Eat when you are hungry. Mmmmm... that doesn't sound too difficult, right? My interpretation of this guideline is that I will only eat when I have an actual, physical need for food - when I am honest-to-goodness hungry. Not bored, sad, lonely, feeling fat and/or ugly, angry; hunger is not an emotion it is a physical state. So starting now, at 5 pm on Thursday, December 30th, I will eat when I am hungry, when my body needs food. If I "mess up", I am going to figure out why, without beating myself up.

There is so much more to Geneen's story and her insights are truly amazing! I highly recommend all of Geneen's books. One of my goals for this coming year is to read one non-fiction book each month and I am going to make part of that goal re-reading each of her seven books again - starting with "Feeding the Hungry Heart". I promise that if you are a compulsive and/or emotional eater, if you read any of Geneen's books you won't be disappointed!

Am I really hungry?

I am almost never hungry. How can I be? I eat so often that I hardly ever give my body a chance to feel hunger. In the rare instances that I do give myself the opportunity to get really, truly hungry, I find I actually like the feeling. Really like it. So why don't I do it more often? Why do I start eating and then find myself unable to stop?

I saw a post on Twitter yesterday that said "if the problem isn't hunger, the solution isn't food". Wow. I mean it is so simple and obvious, yet at the same time profound. If I were to abide by this simple statement, weight would not be an issue.

But the underlying issues would still be there, waiting to be either smothered by another candy bar, order of fries and giant order of popcorn or uncovered, allowed to see the light of day and allowing me to - at last - become conscious and move forward in my life.

Goals and the New Year

Every day recently, someone will ask me what my New Year's Resolutions are going to be. I always say the same thing: I don't have any. It's true. In my experience, that feeling on New Year's Eve that tomorrow everything will be different is terrifying. I mean, realistically we know that it is unlikely that we will wake to a new reality on New Year's Day. So, why do we do this to ourselves? It's no wonder the gym is full the first week of January and by Valentine's Day things have gone back to normal. And those who have fallen away are most likely feeling badly about themselves.

Instead of resolutions, I prefer to set goals for myself each year. It is comforting to me to have something to strive for throughout the year. Goals are something to work toward, reach for in the long (or short) term, but I don't have to wake up one morning as a new and improved me.

Some of my goals for the year:
- lose weight - working through my hurt, pain, self-hatred, etc. and slowly allowing my body to return to its natural weight.
- 365 days of yoga - I love yoga, and this is a great stepping stone goal for me, ambitious as it may be. I'm not shooting for an hour class each and every day, but at the least 5 sun salutations.
- transition slowly from vegetarian to vegan - not as a weight loss scheme, but because I know my body feels better is happier without animal products.
- on the first Monday of each month, prepare an ethnic meal for my family
- read two books each month - one fiction and just for fun, one non-fiction and just for making me think

I'm sure there will be more in the days to come, but I think these are plenty for now! Have you given thought to your goals for the year? Where would you like to be - inside and out - a year from now?